The Serenity Prayer is a prayer that asks for God to grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. At some point in my life, I decided to accept the thoughts in my head because they could not and would not change. The thoughts of worthlessness, low self-esteem, not being good enough, damaged goods, and I could go on. No matter how much I said my “I AM’s” or was told how adored I was by my husband and children, those thoughts could not go away. Then there were times I would be really really sad and uninterested in my normal activities and routine. I would just sit in my house in the dark with my pajamas on all day and snack. Sometimes, I just wanted to stay in bed all day and just eat, and then there were times when I don’t want to eat at all. There were also times when I just wanted to sit and stare in space or times when I didn’t want to be bothered with anyone at all. That includes my immediate family.
I can remember feeling this way since my senior year in high school but I always snapped out of it after a few weeks and didn’t think much of it until a couple of months ago. A couple of months ago, I separated myself from my family by barricading myself in a room, and attempted to hurt myself with glass from a broken mirror. I call it a suicidal gesture instead of attempt because after I broke the mirror and had the glass in my hand, I thought about my children and how they needed their mother and that thought alone made me hesitate. During my hesitation, my husband broke into the room I was barricaded in, took the glass out of my hand, and took me to get help. Initially I was upset, but now I am so glad that he saved my life. He saved my life by getting me help.
Talk therapy (counseling) and medicine that helps with hormonal imbalance (as needed) has been great for me. Just talking about it alone has been very helpful. Just knowing that I am not crazy and that there was something wrong gave me hope. I have been diagnosed with depression as well as anxiety. I’ve known I’ve had anxiety for years but actual chronic depression was news to me. Depression is often described as being really sad but that’s not the case. Yes you are sad but you’re empty, not interested in normal activities, low energy, hopeless, feeling broken, and more. Most people, especially in the African-American community, think that mental disorders don’t exist and you need to just pray and have more faith, but I have prayed constantly and my faith is there along with these good doctors and professionals that God has put here on his green Earth. There is no shame in getting help, there is no shame in expressing that you need help, and there is no shame in sharing your story like I am choosing to do today. I pray that my story can help someone who is going through something similar. God has granted me serenity and courage to change, beat this thing, and put it behind me once and for all. Look for my husband to share his experience with supporting a spouse dealing with depression in his corner soon because depression can take a toll on a marriage if it is not understood. The disease is the enemy and not the spouse. Until next time God bless.
What’s to come: More MAKEUP reviews!